Firm Decisions.

Where do I want to eat? There's literally a million different choices- especially driving 50 min to and from work everyday. It's tough to make the choice with so many influences; asking me where to eat can be talking to a brick wall or a broken toy that doesn't speak English. There's always been one person that can, despite every difficulty, always lead me to a choice of where to consume whatever I may be in the mood for. A while ago, approximately 3 months, I made a few horrible consecutive decisions that ended up with the eventual unraveling of something that was greater and more magnificent than I could lead my stress-oppressed brain to realize. During last semester, so many shows and tests began to hit hard- up to the very end- and when the smoke cleared, the storm of regret came on, and I was drowning. The worst part is, I didn't even know it. 

I had to tell you that story to tell you this one. The one decision I have ever made that I am 110% sure of is the one I made when i decided to be with that girl. I saw the flashing lights above the water and when I came up for air- the reality hit hard. I take my work very seriously, which is part of the reason I'm even in this mess in the first place, and there have only been two times I've ever shed tears in a professional situation. Once 2 years ago, on June 23, 2011, when I learned of my grandfather's passing, and once a few weeks ago, when I heard she was leaving. I had no idea I even still felt this way- I pushed so many of those thoughts of her under my proverbial rug, like anyone would trying to relieve themselves of an ending like that. I immediately wanted to see her, in anyway possible, even though I knew she couldn't stand me. Long story short, we made a meeting, I chickened out, and she invited me to a second one a week later. I couldn't pass up another opportunity- so I accepted. Shit. I was so nervous, I could barely drive. I could barely handle the 1.38 I needed to give the cashier to pay for my drink while I waited on her at the restaurant. Again, to shorten this all up, we did both meet and eat and talk about a few things- the way the conversation went, it seemed like there was no hope for us. I could feel the drowning feeling coming back, but I was fully conscious this time, and yet, I was smiling. Just getting to see her and hear her voice made me so happy. I wasn't expecting anything else- but if I had to describe this woman in one word, "predictable" wouldn't even be on the ballot. 

Later that night, that is, last night, I got a text from her. It was another surprise invitation. I was blown away- even more appropriately, the finale music of the musical I was working on was playing, which added greatly to the mood I developed. So then, we made our plans to meet for lunch. I had no clue what to expect, at all, which seems to be a theme here, so it continues. 

Well, I met her at a Mexican "sit-down" restaurant with her mom. She still was acting pretty mellow toward me, not smiling or giving off any sense of enjoyment, just like the day before. We started talking and normal conversation was had. When I said something humorous relating to a fourth chair and a text she had sent before- she started grinning and smiling. At that point I was so happy, I hadn't seen her smile in 3 months and it was a great thing to behold. A little while later her mom went to the bathroom, leaving us alone in the middle of the restaurant. I sat and watched her, and she sat and watched me. It was pretty awkward- I didn't really know what I was supposed to say or anything because she invited me and I figured that she would eventually say something. Well, out of NOWHERE she swiftly lunges across the table and kisses me with what was possibly the most romantic and confusing moment of my entire life. When we stop after what seemed like several minutes (which was really only a few seconds) she just said that she felt complete and ready with me. She felt like she was ready to move now that she saw me. It was such a good feeling- and I don't know why. Every fiber of my being wants her to stay- to be with me in what I do. But the truth is, I know this will make her happy. Even though she is still leaving, which was not something I planned on trying to stop, I hope she will save her heart for me. I want nothing more, I decided, than to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman and I can't even think of any other way my life could go. 

I don't know what you would call us, but we've never really been a couple that could be labeled anyway. Being with her is what I want. I don't know what drives that feeling- but like she put, I just feel complete. It's as simple as that. And, then again, this is anything but simple.

-

My hope is that whatever you can pull from my experiences you may use to create your own unique journey. Learn from my success and failure- and no matter where this ends up, that's where it was meant to be. 

Matt

Friday, July 27, 2013

What Makes it Worth it?

Normally, people in my line of work will tell you how happy they were to make an impact on audience members' lives and how one moment of profound theatre makes all the difference for them. Actually, this is exactly how I feel. I love being able to manipulate human thought and emotion through a design. Everyone involved in the theatre knows that this is the only thing they could see themselves doing, anything else wouldn't even come close. Recently, after having a chat with a young actress about a show she was in that I lit, I couldn't have felt more at home.

So here I am, it's the middle of finals prep week (the week I spend doing all my projects and things that are due the following week) and rather than working on the research paper or drafting assignment, I'm in the theatre. Every year the theatre department has a few rounds of 10 minute scenes for the directing class, this counts as those students' final grades in the class- a performance in which they cast, analyze, and finally present, free of charge, at the end of the semester. Tech lasts two days and the performances last three days. THEN, also at the end of every semester, the Musical Theatre performance labs have a showcase in which the class divides up into several solo and ensemble numbers that they polish and perfect throughout the semester, they are presented usually a day or two after the directing projects have completed. For all of these performances and end of the year showcases, they need a few bodies to help run the lights and sound-and since I have been helping out with both of these performances since my freshman year, it's only natural I continue. This semester was a much smoother performance because I had two lovely technicians who are very passionate about the theatre, much like myself, help me run the shows this year. I stick to the light board, and the other two would either be running sound or helping with a myriad of other things backstage. Then, something else happened.

A supporter of the children's miracle network and musical theatre department student here at TCU asked if I would be able to help run lights for the showcase she was planning as well. At this point I was skeptical about being able to help with all these shows and be able to get my own finals work done too, but honestly, if it isn't stressful, it's not theatre- so why not? I would be running lights opposite of yet another brilliant technician and sound designer here within TCU and my two technicians operating followspots. Fast Forward->> we got through the dress rehearsal and performance with very little struggle and the benefit raised over a thousand dollars to help the kids involved. It's great to say I was apart of something like that--but what made it even better was what happened later that week.

A few days after the performance I went over to study with a few friends, one of which was involved in the benefit concert. We were talking about critical reasoning, theatre history, and some sort of science class when the subject of the concert came up. Constructively critical as we may have been regarding our comments and praises about the performance, the young lady who was involved in the show told me something I will never forget: "You know, that was the first time I had ever sang in a spotlight. It was really great." The genuine gratitude that was delivered with that statement made me absolutely ooze with warm gushy happiness. Call me cheesy, but any award or compliment I ever get on any design after that will probably never amount to the sheer excitement I felt after hearing her say that. I sometimes forget the magnitude of my art- the power a single light can have on a human soul can be a wonderful thing, and I must never forget that.

For those of you interested in seeing the performance, you may follow the link below!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GS_QqIRwB54

I want to do so much.

So much for this Day by Day thing. It's been 6 and a half years about since I've started this blog and I only have like 40 posts to show for it, if that. Unfortunately, life gets busy and we forget the simpler things, such as blogging. I used to do it a lot in my spare time, but it seems ever since I've gone to college I haven't had much time for it.

I'll try to keep this short, but you all know how I can be. So, since it's been a few years since I've shown my face on here, let me try to update you with some of the things that have gone on. My Freshman, Sophomore and first half of Junior year have gone pretty well here at TCU. If you don't know, I'm a theatre major going for a BFA in Theatre Design. Since I've been at TCU I've worked on over 30 shows (not only on campus, but professional off campus projects as well) and it's been quite a ride. I've done productions at Dallas Theatre Center, something I thought would only be achievable after several years of honing your theatrical skills, which was one of the first goals I had set for myself upon starting my career in the theatre. Another weird thing, the "girl in my english class" I mention in my very very first blog I am now quite pleased to call my girlfriend. At this point, we've been dating for just about a year (this month actually) and we've had our ups and downs, but we too are gaining experience and know how into what it takes to being a mature couple.

Currently, I'm working as one of the Master Electricians for TCU's big musical No No, Nanette! and so far its going well. Our big project for this show has to do with upwards of 50 different lights solely to be used in concert with the scenery, so that's getting there. I am also working as the lighting designer for a dance piece at TCU called L'dor V'dor which goes into tech tomorrow night. Well, technically they are in tech tonight as well, but my piece doesn't tech until tomorrow. Anyway, so tomorrow afternoon will consist of writing cues and fixing up the projections for that. I recently opened (and closed) Oliver! The Musical at a Colleyville school, which was one of my very first professional musical gigs (although, since it was with a school I'm not sure if I want that to be considered my first professional musical). That was actually a lot of fun getting to put everything (and much much more) I've learned at TCU to use and I had a lot of help from my friends putting that together, which was great fun as well.

Tonight, I also rode my bicycle for the first time from my apartment to TCU, and while it is only a two mile ride, the entire way is on an incline (because I have to go to a school on a mountain apparently) it put my biking muscles to the test, and when I arrived, I promptly sat and drank water for about an hour. This wasn't the best idea, because all my muscles had tightened up a lot a whole bunch when I sat and it was difficult getting them going again. Thankfully, one of my friends offered me a ride home and I was able to stuff my bike into this friend's tiny car and make it home.

I apologize if my writing seems choppy, it's been a while since I've done this and I would really like to get into the groove again. It's great therapy and helps me think through things a lot.

At this point in my life, I'm trying to figure out what's next. What should happen in the future? How will I find work? Should I go to grad school? I also am having this crazy feeling that I need to move on, or at least pick up a new hobby, and learn how to build and repair motorcycles. I've been interested in motorcycling ever since I was 10 or 11, I even rode a little bit on my father's old Honda XR-75, but I never continued it. It's one of those things where I think "what if I could have kept going?". As for that, who knows. I'm trying to get money together to buy a used bike and get back to it again, but it's so difficult choosing where my path should lie pertaining to theatre and future. I wish I could just throw my hands up and wait for it to happen, but I know doing something like that when the economy is in this state would maybe help my pride, but my bank account would suffer greatly.

I'll try to get back and talk this all through, but this may be the last time for another 3 years. Who knows. I hope you all are doing well in your life, have a great week!