Firm Decisions.

Where do I want to eat? There's literally a million different choices- especially driving 50 min to and from work everyday. It's tough to make the choice with so many influences; asking me where to eat can be talking to a brick wall or a broken toy that doesn't speak English. There's always been one person that can, despite every difficulty, always lead me to a choice of where to consume whatever I may be in the mood for. A while ago, approximately 3 months, I made a few horrible consecutive decisions that ended up with the eventual unraveling of something that was greater and more magnificent than I could lead my stress-oppressed brain to realize. During last semester, so many shows and tests began to hit hard- up to the very end- and when the smoke cleared, the storm of regret came on, and I was drowning. The worst part is, I didn't even know it. 

I had to tell you that story to tell you this one. The one decision I have ever made that I am 110% sure of is the one I made when i decided to be with that girl. I saw the flashing lights above the water and when I came up for air- the reality hit hard. I take my work very seriously, which is part of the reason I'm even in this mess in the first place, and there have only been two times I've ever shed tears in a professional situation. Once 2 years ago, on June 23, 2011, when I learned of my grandfather's passing, and once a few weeks ago, when I heard she was leaving. I had no idea I even still felt this way- I pushed so many of those thoughts of her under my proverbial rug, like anyone would trying to relieve themselves of an ending like that. I immediately wanted to see her, in anyway possible, even though I knew she couldn't stand me. Long story short, we made a meeting, I chickened out, and she invited me to a second one a week later. I couldn't pass up another opportunity- so I accepted. Shit. I was so nervous, I could barely drive. I could barely handle the 1.38 I needed to give the cashier to pay for my drink while I waited on her at the restaurant. Again, to shorten this all up, we did both meet and eat and talk about a few things- the way the conversation went, it seemed like there was no hope for us. I could feel the drowning feeling coming back, but I was fully conscious this time, and yet, I was smiling. Just getting to see her and hear her voice made me so happy. I wasn't expecting anything else- but if I had to describe this woman in one word, "predictable" wouldn't even be on the ballot. 

Later that night, that is, last night, I got a text from her. It was another surprise invitation. I was blown away- even more appropriately, the finale music of the musical I was working on was playing, which added greatly to the mood I developed. So then, we made our plans to meet for lunch. I had no clue what to expect, at all, which seems to be a theme here, so it continues. 

Well, I met her at a Mexican "sit-down" restaurant with her mom. She still was acting pretty mellow toward me, not smiling or giving off any sense of enjoyment, just like the day before. We started talking and normal conversation was had. When I said something humorous relating to a fourth chair and a text she had sent before- she started grinning and smiling. At that point I was so happy, I hadn't seen her smile in 3 months and it was a great thing to behold. A little while later her mom went to the bathroom, leaving us alone in the middle of the restaurant. I sat and watched her, and she sat and watched me. It was pretty awkward- I didn't really know what I was supposed to say or anything because she invited me and I figured that she would eventually say something. Well, out of NOWHERE she swiftly lunges across the table and kisses me with what was possibly the most romantic and confusing moment of my entire life. When we stop after what seemed like several minutes (which was really only a few seconds) she just said that she felt complete and ready with me. She felt like she was ready to move now that she saw me. It was such a good feeling- and I don't know why. Every fiber of my being wants her to stay- to be with me in what I do. But the truth is, I know this will make her happy. Even though she is still leaving, which was not something I planned on trying to stop, I hope she will save her heart for me. I want nothing more, I decided, than to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman and I can't even think of any other way my life could go. 

I don't know what you would call us, but we've never really been a couple that could be labeled anyway. Being with her is what I want. I don't know what drives that feeling- but like she put, I just feel complete. It's as simple as that. And, then again, this is anything but simple.

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My hope is that whatever you can pull from my experiences you may use to create your own unique journey. Learn from my success and failure- and no matter where this ends up, that's where it was meant to be. 

Matt

Friday, July 27, 2013